Cultural Differences

My husband and I unexpectedly, and briefly, returned to the states for a few days last week.

The culture shock was unbelievable.

Just kidding. I did not pull a Madonna and only speak in a foreign accent and denounce all things American since I am now a tres sophisticated Europe-dweller. In fact, my English came back to me quite readily. I suspect this was the case because English is the language I primarily speak in France anyway.

However, the trip home offered some interesting juxtaposition in terms of some cultural differences that I would never have noticed prior my becoming an ex-pat. Since many people in the U.S. had questions for us, I thought I would compile a brief list here.

Disclaimer: since you all know my primary life concerns involve food, it makes sense that a few of the things I noticed involve dining. But not everything on the little list has to do with food. That said, here are some interesting things I noted:

1. The approach to service in the U.S. is vastly different from that in France, and this discrepancy is particularly apparent in restaurants. Cognitively, the disparity in serving style makes perfect sense as it boils down to that tried and true bottom line reason for most human behavior: money. What I mean is that servers, waiters, etc in the U.S. heavily rely on tips to generate their income since the hourly rate for waitressing is a couple of pay notches lower than what you might make if you cleaned hamster cages (I speak from much waitressing experience here). In France, the waiters are paid reasonable wages, and tips, while never refused, are also rarely expected. They are also always considerably lower than the 15-20% American servers expect to glean from each table.

So...waiters in France do not need to kiss your derriere to be guaranteed a paycheck. And they don't. In the U.S., we are used to waiters falling all over themselves to ensure the service is impeccable and we leave not only wanting to empty the contents of our wallets for their sake, but also contemplating including them on next year's holiday card. Our egos like this song and dance, though our bank accounts have less afffinity for it. In France, the waiter could give a toss if you like him or her. They will not shower you with affection or try to engage in small-talk. They will be accurate and somewhat efficient, and you will eat delicious food. If you need more coddling, then you will be disappointed.

2. Also on the service end, in France, it is the customer who greets the proprietor, no matter the sort of business. If you enter a place of business (a shop, a bakery, a grocery store, etc.), and you do not loudly and cheerfully say hello to anyone and everyone who is in the establishment, then your service will be decidedly grumpy and sub-par. This is a very important unspoken rule in France. In the U.S., it is the opposite case as the proprietor always first greets the customer. So it was a tad strange when I walked into our Cape Cod neighorhood deli/mini grocery store and loudly announced, "Hello, and how is everyone today!" to everyone in there. It was met with silence and it was awkward.

3. If you are a wine-by-the-glass type, which I happen to be, then you might want to note that the wine pours are wildly different. In France you receive a glass of wine, almost filled to the top of a humble, even tiny, wine glass. In the U.S., the trend seems to be to dole out large portions of wine in tumblers the size of a human head. Though the large goblet is filledto just under the half-way point, there must be approximately half a bottle of wine sloshing around in there.

In France, no one would ever offer you a second glass, even if your first was drained by the end of the entree (which means "appetizer" in French) part of the meal. They would anticipate that you would have coffee at the end of the meal, and maybe an aperatif before the meal, but having more than a single glass of wine during a meal would earn you a raised eyebrow or two. Not so in the U.S., where they hover around you as you eat and offer to refill the trough of wine when it is two-thirds down.

Of course, as noted in item #1, the U.S. waiters are looking for a hefty tip. Maybe ensuring their customers are sufficiently pickled helps their cause. It's a thought, anyway.

4. Everyone from my dental hygienist to my relatives wanted to know the answer to some version of the following question: "Are the French really mean?" I do not mean to sound rude, but this is a ridiculous question. If you think about it, can you ever say that an entire nation could be categorized in a single manner? It's like someone visiting the Playboy Mansion in Los Angelos and then asking if everyone in America has fake boobs.

So no, just as all French people are not innately stylish, neither are they all mean.

My supposition is that the confusion arises from a cultural difference in affect. Americans are smiley and friendly. The French are not smiley (of course they might have less to show off on that end as they are not as obsessed with gleaming white teeth as Americans are--here is an aspect where I am thrilled to be American, by the way). The natural manner in France is brusque, frank, and somewhat serious. There is an air of "I deserve to be first," coming from just about everyone in Paris. But it is not mean, or even selfish, it is just how everyone is because it is how everyone has been taught to be.

People do not kill you with unnecessary kindness over here, but neither do they spend all day sneering, scoffing, or spitting at foreigners. In fact, they treat foreigners the same way they treat their fellow country folk, it just feels worse to us Americans because we are used to being embraced by others in an open and friendly (albeit sometimes phony) manner. The truth is that so many people in France have been extremely kind to us. And a few have been extremely rude. Note that I could say the same for every city in which I have ever lived or visited extensively (Boston, Charleston, New York City, London, Sydney, Vail, Los Angelos, San Francisco, Chicago...you get my drift).

5. People in the U.S. chew gum in a grotesque manner. I noticed this habit a bit before, but it became glaringly obvious on this more recent trip back to the states. Being a big gum-chewer myself, I have long been conscious of not being an active, loud, or obvious chomper. People in France chew gum but it is in a more subtle, quiet manner. While I sat in Logan airport waiting to board our delayed plane, it was almost comical how many people of different ages, sizes, and looks were all chowing down on gum in a manner that suggested a cow chewing cud. Men and women, some in sweats, some in designer duds. Girls and boys, teenagers and elderly folks, all chewing gum as if their life depended on it, mouth agape and with audible sound-effects. It was really distasteful. Please consider this one the next time you pop a piece of Wrigley's; I think America lags behind here.

6. On the other hand, people in the U.S. generally have better manners. Yes phatic conversation (of the "How are you? or "Can you believe this weather?" sort) can be irritating and may be seen as "fake" but at least you feel welcome. And people in the U.S. hold open doors for the person behind or in front of them. They smile when they say hello. The men allow the women to enter or exit first. These are rituals I feel are important and civilized and they do not seem to be a big part of the French culture. Go U.S.! You are very polite, and I thank you for being so.

7. There is no doubt that the French really know their food. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. People asked me a lot about why the food is so amazing in France, and I do not have a concise or simple answer although I definitely endorse the belief. I ate well in the states, but everything seemed to have a tad too much going on. Too many different flavors, too many different sauces. When we returned to our apartment in Paris after our stateside sojourn, we were starving. As such, I popped over to the boulangerie around the corner and grabbed us a couple of baguettes with ham, cheese, and butter. My lord, the lunch was heaven. So simple yet so scrumptious. Sorry, U.S., but France has one over on us there. Big time.

So that does it for my little list. I will undoubtedly have more to add later. You might like to know that while in the U.S., my husband was appreciative of listening to people's conversations and knowing what they were saying. Well, until we were seated on the plane near a family who was traveling to Key West and who were LOUDLY discussing all kinds of riveting topics--from the need for the usage of a toilet to how close the McDonalds in the Charlotte airport would be to their departing terminal. These two topics filled about an hour and a half of air time, if you can believe it. Maybe the French are discussing equally banal and insipid things, but at least I only catch every 5th or 6th work, so I will take people gabbering on in a foreign language anyday. That said, I do NOT miss overhearing conversations I can understand, and thank you, Key West-bound family for making that crystal clear.

Although, I have to say that being in the U.S. did do something for my ego. I felt quasi-hilarious because people actually met my attempts at humor with laughter as opposed to blank and confused stares which are what I frequently ellicit over here. Maybe they were being typically "polite" or "phony" Americans, but I appreciated it nonetheless.

So the good, the bad, and the in-between. We can be sure to have it all---no matter where we live. C'est la vie.