Everyday, I feel I am bombarded with evidence that many people in this world subscribe to the notion that other people--be they in the form of a boss, a professor, a partner, or a parent (or some combination of the aforementioned) are trying to "keep them down."
It is sort of strange phenomenon, especially given the fact that anecdotally there is much support for the exact opposite case. That is to say, happy images available through various popular culture outlets have implied that optimal life circumstances are characterized by people being encouraged and supported by the influential others in their lives. As in: the student surpassing the teacher (a little Aristotle/Plato action), the boss retiring and placing her office keys in the even more capable hands of her protégé, the parent succeeding in offering a life rife with improvements on his/her own to his/her offspring. Of course, maybe this Disney-movie naiveté is an unrealistic way to view the world.
But is it?
Because what is the alternative? That your professor really wants you to botch your finals? That your parents hope you succomb to a life of mediocrity and struggle? That your boss secretly relishes your displays of idiocy? That your partner wants you to be an insecure, resentful, fruit loop?
I will concede that if you are surrounded, in any of the aforementioned capacities, by people who suffer from either inordinately low-self-esteem or extreme narcissism, then they may harbor such ill-intended feelings towards you. And that is a shame.
But that would also be a reflection on them, not on YOU. And if you do feel that way, then I advise you to cut bait and move on from such poisonous leeches. Yes, even if they are family. Sorry to be harsh, but you have one life to live and you deserve to be happy, supported, and moving in perpetually forward and/or upward directions.
And, I dispense this guidance for the good of us all. As in, the vast majority of your friends, family members, and colleagues are NOT contributing to this "keeping you down" business. Therefore they do not deserve to be bogged down by the excruciating minutiae of the misery inflicted by the selfish and select few. So stop lamenting the issue. And hop to it, peeps. There is fun to be had.
Because, the truth of the matter is that most people in your life really want you to succeed. Why wouldn't they? At least, if people want to be inspired, if they wish to be instilled with hope, if they too seek a raison d'etre, then it stands to reason that they would want you to succeed. Otherwise what is the point of anything? Squelching people's dreams and making them feel small, stupid, or insignificant just seems like a waste of time. And, as such, I do not believe that most (generally sane and generally kind) people in our time-obsessed culture would willingly or consciously be doing any such thing.
I realize that my offerings here might seem simplistic. They might seem overly optimistic. They might seem feasible for others but not for you with your specific circumstance with person or situation "X", "Y", or "Z".
Again, I offer a notion I return to time and time again: it comes down to perspective.
Imagine a professor administers a test and the entire class fails. For the sake of argument, it is unlikely that every single person was out until dawn doing keg stands and jello shots the night before (though a few people were probably doing just that). More likey is that the test was not an appropriate guage of the course material covered and/or it was poorly compiled. No professor wants to be in the position of having a whole class fail. He or she wants people do well becaue that would mean that he or she had covered and tested material accurately. It would also mean that he or she had inspired the students to learn what would be tested: voila, a mutual success.
Similarly, when you give a Power Point presentation to the board members, your boss wants you to hit it out of the park. If you look good, she looks good. And your parents want you to be happy. They may live vicariuosly through you, or they may not be able to imagine why you make the choices you make. They may have moments of envy for your "better" life or times they fear that you are leaving them behind. But if they have done their job the way they envisioned they could to the best capacity, then what they truly want is for you to live your life in a manner that is the best for you. If your partner is unkind, ungenerous, or critical, it has to do with his (or her) insecurties and issues--not yours. When he or she is really being his/her best self, then he or she wants you to exceed, to spread your wings, and to evolve and to follow paths of your own. To do so gives him/her the green light for his/her own life...and then the life you have together will be that much more dynamic and strong.
I am serious. People (again, provided they are both generally kind and generally sane) do not want you to fail. Think about it. I believe you will notice, in short order, that the majority of the influential people in your life want to support and encourage you. So stop focusing on "the man" keeping you down. He simply does not have much longetivy or power outside of your own head.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Life Lessons on a Dog Walk
I was walking my dogs earlier today when we were met with an unexpected situation. Out of a driveway and down the street towards us came trotting/sprinting a black lab-like dog. She was not on a leash and was emanating a vibe that definitively said, "I am looking for some fun."
Sadly she also seemed to be in possession of a vibe that said, "I am not very bright." I make this observation because this fun for which she was searching was certainly not to be found with my two anti-social little canine creatures. But she barrelled up to them, bold as only the overly-enthusiastic and slightly dim-witted can be and spent a good two minutes relentlessly trying to engage them in "playtime."
If you know anything about our dogs, then you know that Freya, our shepard mix, was contemplating pouncing on ding-dong. Freya is not one for random acts of unbridled enthusiasm; it seems she finds such behavior intolerably pedestrian. She is like one of those children who comes out of the womb with intrinsic knowledge of Emily Post. So she stood, erect, bristled, and, most importantly for intruder dog to note: not wagging her tail. In short, she was deeply suspicious, just wanting her walk to be carried out with its normal predictability and dignity (i.e., without interruption from gregarious strangers). Bruce, our little terrier mix was acting true to character and barking like a maniac at black beauty as he performed a little dance best described as the "lunge like a lion/retreat like a lamb" four-step. It is more coordinated and less complicated than it sounds. I think it could give the Macarena a run for the money.
Anyway, as all this hullabaloo ensued, the dog's owner was yelling sternly at his pet--from a distance of about 20 feet away. Anyone could have ascertained that the dog was not going anywhere anytime soon, but owner, who was rather impeccably attired, did not seem to want to actually come close to the scene of the situation. If I had to guess, my instinct would be that he did not want to sully his outfit. In any case, he seemed to only want to be involved from a distance. So I was just sort of teetering there tangled in leashes, cacophony, and playful stupidity, fending for myself.
Despite my allegiance to being a feminist, it still seemed rather ungentlemanly of the stranger dog's owner. And, just to add a stereotype in here, we are in the south after all--is it so wrong to expect proper decorum?
After several minutes of (uselessly) taking action from afar, prissy pants finally came over and wrestled Bailey away (I think that was the dog's name). As we started to walk away, what came out of my mouth was really strange:
"I am so sorry. We were just walking. Sorry to bother you."
Before I could really contemplate why on earth I was apologizing for walking my fully vaccinated and leashed dogs down a public street, I saw him haul off and whack poor Bailey on the rump. Twice.
"She didn't DO anything!" I squeeked. I often squeek when in state of high-agitation. Hitting a dog ranks as high agitation in my book. Especially a sweet, playful, fun-loving , dumb-dumb like Bailey. The guy did not glance back in my direction. I watched him drag Bailey back down the driveway by her leash.
Bailey, bless her heart, was wagging her tail the whole way.
So this story riles me up for two reasons:
1. The obvious. Why is anyone hitting their dog? Even when it is a spanking, it is just not okay.
2. Also obvious. Why was I apologizing for doing nothing wrong?
Number one is not an issue I can really get into without a lot of tears, frustration, and a significant rise of blood pressure. Maybe it is none of my business if someone opts to "spank" their dog. But I say, in that situation, the dog would not have known what she did wrong. Frankly, she was already assaulted by Bruce's ear-piercing, glass-shattering shrieks, so hadn't punishment enough already incurred? If I had seen meany-owner man hit Bailey on the face or if she really seemed to be in danger, I hope, think, and pray I would have had the gumption to do or say more. At least I know his address, so I could have acted in some way.
In speaking to number two, it seems that just like Freya, Bruce, and Bailey all have their immediate, innate reactions to being presented with a situation that is unpredictable and agitating, so do I. Freya becomes a much exaggerated version of her innate being, Bruce becomes entirely out of control and goes hells bells on everyone, and Bailey seems to just carry on with business as usual.
It seems that when I am presented with a stressful situation, I am apt to retreat back to the person I was years ago, the one who apologizes for anything and everything--as if I do not have the right to walk down a street in broad daylight. And, indeed, that is just what I did. Amazing how a little interaction arising from a standard daily activity can stir up realizations about your fundamental being. And a good reminder that however far we have come in our self-evolvement, that old version still exists on some basic level. Without reading TOO much into it, I am reminded that self-awareness and change of our innate tendencies is truly a life-long process, and one that will challenge us in ways large and small, expected and unexpected. I do not want to be the girl who apologizes, and I really thought I had left her behind by now. And maybe I have in some ways, but today's "event" proves she is not gone altogether. Just something to think about anyway.
Sadly she also seemed to be in possession of a vibe that said, "I am not very bright." I make this observation because this fun for which she was searching was certainly not to be found with my two anti-social little canine creatures. But she barrelled up to them, bold as only the overly-enthusiastic and slightly dim-witted can be and spent a good two minutes relentlessly trying to engage them in "playtime."
If you know anything about our dogs, then you know that Freya, our shepard mix, was contemplating pouncing on ding-dong. Freya is not one for random acts of unbridled enthusiasm; it seems she finds such behavior intolerably pedestrian. She is like one of those children who comes out of the womb with intrinsic knowledge of Emily Post. So she stood, erect, bristled, and, most importantly for intruder dog to note: not wagging her tail. In short, she was deeply suspicious, just wanting her walk to be carried out with its normal predictability and dignity (i.e., without interruption from gregarious strangers). Bruce, our little terrier mix was acting true to character and barking like a maniac at black beauty as he performed a little dance best described as the "lunge like a lion/retreat like a lamb" four-step. It is more coordinated and less complicated than it sounds. I think it could give the Macarena a run for the money.
Anyway, as all this hullabaloo ensued, the dog's owner was yelling sternly at his pet--from a distance of about 20 feet away. Anyone could have ascertained that the dog was not going anywhere anytime soon, but owner, who was rather impeccably attired, did not seem to want to actually come close to the scene of the situation. If I had to guess, my instinct would be that he did not want to sully his outfit. In any case, he seemed to only want to be involved from a distance. So I was just sort of teetering there tangled in leashes, cacophony, and playful stupidity, fending for myself.
Despite my allegiance to being a feminist, it still seemed rather ungentlemanly of the stranger dog's owner. And, just to add a stereotype in here, we are in the south after all--is it so wrong to expect proper decorum?
After several minutes of (uselessly) taking action from afar, prissy pants finally came over and wrestled Bailey away (I think that was the dog's name). As we started to walk away, what came out of my mouth was really strange:
"I am so sorry. We were just walking. Sorry to bother you."
Before I could really contemplate why on earth I was apologizing for walking my fully vaccinated and leashed dogs down a public street, I saw him haul off and whack poor Bailey on the rump. Twice.
"She didn't DO anything!" I squeeked. I often squeek when in state of high-agitation. Hitting a dog ranks as high agitation in my book. Especially a sweet, playful, fun-loving , dumb-dumb like Bailey. The guy did not glance back in my direction. I watched him drag Bailey back down the driveway by her leash.
Bailey, bless her heart, was wagging her tail the whole way.
So this story riles me up for two reasons:
1. The obvious. Why is anyone hitting their dog? Even when it is a spanking, it is just not okay.
2. Also obvious. Why was I apologizing for doing nothing wrong?
Number one is not an issue I can really get into without a lot of tears, frustration, and a significant rise of blood pressure. Maybe it is none of my business if someone opts to "spank" their dog. But I say, in that situation, the dog would not have known what she did wrong. Frankly, she was already assaulted by Bruce's ear-piercing, glass-shattering shrieks, so hadn't punishment enough already incurred? If I had seen meany-owner man hit Bailey on the face or if she really seemed to be in danger, I hope, think, and pray I would have had the gumption to do or say more. At least I know his address, so I could have acted in some way.
In speaking to number two, it seems that just like Freya, Bruce, and Bailey all have their immediate, innate reactions to being presented with a situation that is unpredictable and agitating, so do I. Freya becomes a much exaggerated version of her innate being, Bruce becomes entirely out of control and goes hells bells on everyone, and Bailey seems to just carry on with business as usual.
It seems that when I am presented with a stressful situation, I am apt to retreat back to the person I was years ago, the one who apologizes for anything and everything--as if I do not have the right to walk down a street in broad daylight. And, indeed, that is just what I did. Amazing how a little interaction arising from a standard daily activity can stir up realizations about your fundamental being. And a good reminder that however far we have come in our self-evolvement, that old version still exists on some basic level. Without reading TOO much into it, I am reminded that self-awareness and change of our innate tendencies is truly a life-long process, and one that will challenge us in ways large and small, expected and unexpected. I do not want to be the girl who apologizes, and I really thought I had left her behind by now. And maybe I have in some ways, but today's "event" proves she is not gone altogether. Just something to think about anyway.
Friday, March 12, 2010
The Invisible Woman
A concept out there that is currently receiving a lot of buzz, in ways both subtle and obvious, is the idea of the "invisible woman." Basically, as I understand it, the idea ties into the cultural reality of women as being relegated to the shadows of life because of our society being male-dominated and our very language being male-constructed (incidentally, that "claim" is actually fact--just in case anyone raises any contestation to that point). So what are we do to?
Well, the notion of "invisibility" certainly conjures negative connotation at first blush. However, I propose that if we reframe the issue, then it can actually be construed as a positive. It is my contention that "invisible" women are neither powerless nor inconsequential. In fact, quite the opposite.
The backbone of this "invisibility," as I see it, is that women are in fact the grand puppeteers of life. We are the sort of proverbial wizard behind the curtain, responsible for shaping and manuevering the action that is played out by those at the forefront--ostensibly by the men.
While I do not advocate for or support anyone's "invisibility," I actually very much like this analogy. It seems to say that women are the more influential force in our society, we are just not overtly recognized as such. And, to that end, it seems a bit silly to fight the perception. After all, being front and center on any stage--including the stage of life--is invariably stressful. Who needs all the pressure of being in the spotlight, if you can enjoy ample autonomy and assert significant control from behind the scenes?
The problem, of course is that no one really applauds those "invisible," behind the scenes, people when the curtain comes down. It is the leading actors (or orchestrated "puppets" for the purposes of my analogy) who receive the grand reviews. And whether such reviews be good or bad is rather inconsequential since any publicity is allegedly good publicity--as any Marketing 101 book will tell you.
So the question "out there" that I keep stumbling upon in popular culture and within academic realms is how do we go about rectifying the situation? And I take an admittedly controversial stance by saying: do we need do? Is the system really "broken" after all? As with so many things on which I pontificate, this situation really just comes down to a matter of perception.
In truth (and it stereotype too for that matter), men may be arguably more ego-involved and thus "need" the pretense of power and success that come with "running" the world. Why not let them carry-on, blissfully ignorant that women are pulling their strings and prodding them along at any given step? I am, of course, speaking slightly tongue-in-cheek.
But not really. Quite frankly, I know I am personally manipulative as all get out. That is to say, I definitely fancy myself a bit of a puppet-master.
Before you judge me in horror and run screaming from my blog about the proverbial wool I have pulled over your eyes by previously touting my general morality as a person, I feel compelled to stand up for myself for a minute. I never seek to be unkind, or to inflict pain-emotional or otherwise. However, I have cried a few crocodile tears, batted my eyelashes, and/or staged a coup or two using my wiley feminine, puppet-mastery ways.
Never on my husband though. He is way too smart for that.
But I digress. Back to the issue at hand, and with regards to being "invisible": is it reward enough to be an unacclaimed mastermind? Or is it wholly unfair that women are societally encouraged to eat their humble pie in sequestered silence?
As you now know, my overall question is whether or not this "invisibility" is a good thing, a bad thing, or maybe a neutral thing. Just a thing, thing, if you will.
It being Friday, and my choosing to be an optimist, then I currently view it as a positive thing. I say that "invisible" or not, the truth remains that there is much to be lauded about a reliable constant that slips past the hoi-polloi and subtly shapes lives and generally paints a prettier picture for us all. What might seem unjust is that overt credit for such indispensability is never ascribed.
Stay-tuned folks because that actually might be my stance the next go-round on this topic.
For today though . . . Basically, as I consider the ways women are working under wraps to smoothe out life's bumps and shape situations, I realize how undeniably necessary such work actually is. There is much to be said about the crucial nature of a proper foundation.
Of course, re-reading this opining of mine, I realize that I am making it sounds as though women are the personified version of that underwear/ girdle contraption one might wear under a formal dress.
So maybe there you have it, the golden nugget of the day: women are Spanx.
Not such a bad analogy after all. Because, ironically, those puppety men have no concept of how effective, essential, and life-changing the proper underpinnings actually are, do they?
Well, the notion of "invisibility" certainly conjures negative connotation at first blush. However, I propose that if we reframe the issue, then it can actually be construed as a positive. It is my contention that "invisible" women are neither powerless nor inconsequential. In fact, quite the opposite.
The backbone of this "invisibility," as I see it, is that women are in fact the grand puppeteers of life. We are the sort of proverbial wizard behind the curtain, responsible for shaping and manuevering the action that is played out by those at the forefront--ostensibly by the men.
While I do not advocate for or support anyone's "invisibility," I actually very much like this analogy. It seems to say that women are the more influential force in our society, we are just not overtly recognized as such. And, to that end, it seems a bit silly to fight the perception. After all, being front and center on any stage--including the stage of life--is invariably stressful. Who needs all the pressure of being in the spotlight, if you can enjoy ample autonomy and assert significant control from behind the scenes?
The problem, of course is that no one really applauds those "invisible," behind the scenes, people when the curtain comes down. It is the leading actors (or orchestrated "puppets" for the purposes of my analogy) who receive the grand reviews. And whether such reviews be good or bad is rather inconsequential since any publicity is allegedly good publicity--as any Marketing 101 book will tell you.
So the question "out there" that I keep stumbling upon in popular culture and within academic realms is how do we go about rectifying the situation? And I take an admittedly controversial stance by saying: do we need do? Is the system really "broken" after all? As with so many things on which I pontificate, this situation really just comes down to a matter of perception.
In truth (and it stereotype too for that matter), men may be arguably more ego-involved and thus "need" the pretense of power and success that come with "running" the world. Why not let them carry-on, blissfully ignorant that women are pulling their strings and prodding them along at any given step? I am, of course, speaking slightly tongue-in-cheek.
But not really. Quite frankly, I know I am personally manipulative as all get out. That is to say, I definitely fancy myself a bit of a puppet-master.
Before you judge me in horror and run screaming from my blog about the proverbial wool I have pulled over your eyes by previously touting my general morality as a person, I feel compelled to stand up for myself for a minute. I never seek to be unkind, or to inflict pain-emotional or otherwise. However, I have cried a few crocodile tears, batted my eyelashes, and/or staged a coup or two using my wiley feminine, puppet-mastery ways.
Never on my husband though. He is way too smart for that.
But I digress. Back to the issue at hand, and with regards to being "invisible": is it reward enough to be an unacclaimed mastermind? Or is it wholly unfair that women are societally encouraged to eat their humble pie in sequestered silence?
As you now know, my overall question is whether or not this "invisibility" is a good thing, a bad thing, or maybe a neutral thing. Just a thing, thing, if you will.
It being Friday, and my choosing to be an optimist, then I currently view it as a positive thing. I say that "invisible" or not, the truth remains that there is much to be lauded about a reliable constant that slips past the hoi-polloi and subtly shapes lives and generally paints a prettier picture for us all. What might seem unjust is that overt credit for such indispensability is never ascribed.
Stay-tuned folks because that actually might be my stance the next go-round on this topic.
For today though . . . Basically, as I consider the ways women are working under wraps to smoothe out life's bumps and shape situations, I realize how undeniably necessary such work actually is. There is much to be said about the crucial nature of a proper foundation.
Of course, re-reading this opining of mine, I realize that I am making it sounds as though women are the personified version of that underwear/ girdle contraption one might wear under a formal dress.
So maybe there you have it, the golden nugget of the day: women are Spanx.
Not such a bad analogy after all. Because, ironically, those puppety men have no concept of how effective, essential, and life-changing the proper underpinnings actually are, do they?
Friday, March 5, 2010
Fear or Faith
As may be quite obvious at this point, I regularly experience substantial strife regarding information overload. I am easily overwhelmed and the whole decision-making process stresses me out multiple times each day (sometimes several times within the space of an hour). Recently, I was faced with making what I would categorize as a life-altering decision.
Deeply fearful of making the "wrong" decision, I had been going back and forth with the pros and cons of the situation for some time. A few days ago, however, I experienced a bit of a reprieve from my incessant mental cartwheels because I realized that right now, it is pretty much out of my hands. As in, I am currently waiting for a phone call that will tell me: "yes" or "no." Oddly enough, I am sort of loving my position as a dangling participle out there, waiting to be told which path I will be following next.
Sometimes it is really nice to not have to think, and to know that a decision is being made for you rather than by you.
Of course, this situation is a catch-22. I also value and feel deeply entitled to my own autonomy in many, many circumstances in my life. I want to be able to choose my own path and to explore any option I want (incidentally, I would not even be in my current position had I not opted to explore a new and unexpected option anyway). It is certainly not the case that I always want to be this free-floating entity, waiting to be directed and re-directed by the world around me. That would be a very reactionary way to live, and I am striving to live in a very proactive manner. Still, just as it sometimes nice to have someone make you soup and take care of your for a day or two when you are sick or tired (or both!), it is also lovely to occasionally experience a time where you do not have to be responsible for all of your decisions.
Because, as you have likely inferred, I worry much about making the "wrong" decision. Ironically, I fully recognize that no such thing exists. And yet I weigh pros and cons with innumerable situations every day--while doing everything from ordering at a resturant (I really want the shrimp, but what if it turns out to be that slimy, anemic variety?) to giving my dogs a new type of bone (they really love them, but what if they choke?) to posting my personal sentiments on this blog (it is so cathartic to work through my thoughts, but what if I inadvertently offend someone?). See what I mean?
I am probably stressing you out right now.
But I do not think I am the only person who falls into this pattern of worry/regret/self-doubt. And I am not advocating for having others make decisons for you on a regular basis, or even a quasi-regular basis. That would be a very irresponsible way to live. Frankly, it would be delusional as well. We are responsible for ourselves and that is a wonderful thing, really.
It is also terrifying and can be paralyzing. So what I really want, and am working on right now, is to feel confident in my decisions. To have the courage of my convictions and to stop second-guessing my every move. In short, I want to stop being so afraid of failing, in matters large and small. I want to stop second-guessing myself.
All that considered, I was listening to a song recently, and the lyric I heard was "I die a little with every regret I make." I was completely taken with that concept. How true, and how succinctly phrased. Feeling regret, in the form of that aforementioned self-doubt, is not only unproductive, it is literally sucking the life out of me.
I read somewhere that with every decison you make, every obstacle you face, every relationship you experience, you have only two options with how to approach any and all of the above. You can choose to live in faith or in fear. And with faith I am not talking about faith in God or faith in whoever you pray to in a religious sense. I am talking about faith in your self and in the world around you (although some may argue--and yes, Rob, I am talking about you--that set of circumstances is exactly what faith in God is anyway). With fear, I am talking about self-constructed fear, self-perceived fear regarding the world around you.
Since you now know that I am easily overwhelmed by decisions, such a two-part plan is incredibly appealing to me. What a simple checklist. Everytime I am overwhelmed, stressed out, inundated, etc. I can ask myself: am I choosing faith right now, or am I choosing fear? The idea is that one is just as easy to select as the other.
It is all a matter of perspective.
With my current decision situation, I was so terribly worried about making the "wrong" decision that I was actually happy when I felt that the decision was no longer mine. I felt that way because I was choosing fear.
Now I know that a phone call will come and it may or may not be the response I truly want. No matter what though, I am trying to have faith that the decision will be the "right" one for me. I have the choice to fear the "yes" or to fear the "no." Or I can choose to have faith that whatever the outcome, it will be "right". In essence, and back to that song I mentioned, I could "die a little" feeling regret either way, or I could live more fully knowing that life is unfolding as it is meant to, indeed as I am programming it to--whether or not I am always fully conscious of that fact.
And again with that song: I checked the actual lyrics, and what was really being said was: "I die a little with every breath I take." Also true, in both a literal and figurative sense. But how interesting that what I heard was what I really needed to hear. It did not matter what was really being said, what mattered was how I interpreted what was being said. So right there I have the argument for faith over fear: I was "wrong" in my interpretation, but it could not have been more "right" for me. What I need is the faith to believe that whatever I hear, see, believe, or decide, it is the right thing.
And again, it really is all a matter of perspective.
So now I wait for the phone call, and I am not fearful of the outcome. Importantly, the fear has dissipated not because I feel the situation is out of my hands (as I originally wanted to believe), but rather because I have faith that my actions up to this point will result in the "right" decision.
It may have been nice to believe that I was a pawn for a few minutes, but it is even nicer to get back into the game by realizing that I have a say afterall in how this decision goes down...and I choose faith over fear.
Deeply fearful of making the "wrong" decision, I had been going back and forth with the pros and cons of the situation for some time. A few days ago, however, I experienced a bit of a reprieve from my incessant mental cartwheels because I realized that right now, it is pretty much out of my hands. As in, I am currently waiting for a phone call that will tell me: "yes" or "no." Oddly enough, I am sort of loving my position as a dangling participle out there, waiting to be told which path I will be following next.
Sometimes it is really nice to not have to think, and to know that a decision is being made for you rather than by you.
Of course, this situation is a catch-22. I also value and feel deeply entitled to my own autonomy in many, many circumstances in my life. I want to be able to choose my own path and to explore any option I want (incidentally, I would not even be in my current position had I not opted to explore a new and unexpected option anyway). It is certainly not the case that I always want to be this free-floating entity, waiting to be directed and re-directed by the world around me. That would be a very reactionary way to live, and I am striving to live in a very proactive manner. Still, just as it sometimes nice to have someone make you soup and take care of your for a day or two when you are sick or tired (or both!), it is also lovely to occasionally experience a time where you do not have to be responsible for all of your decisions.
Because, as you have likely inferred, I worry much about making the "wrong" decision. Ironically, I fully recognize that no such thing exists. And yet I weigh pros and cons with innumerable situations every day--while doing everything from ordering at a resturant (I really want the shrimp, but what if it turns out to be that slimy, anemic variety?) to giving my dogs a new type of bone (they really love them, but what if they choke?) to posting my personal sentiments on this blog (it is so cathartic to work through my thoughts, but what if I inadvertently offend someone?). See what I mean?
I am probably stressing you out right now.
But I do not think I am the only person who falls into this pattern of worry/regret/self-doubt. And I am not advocating for having others make decisons for you on a regular basis, or even a quasi-regular basis. That would be a very irresponsible way to live. Frankly, it would be delusional as well. We are responsible for ourselves and that is a wonderful thing, really.
It is also terrifying and can be paralyzing. So what I really want, and am working on right now, is to feel confident in my decisions. To have the courage of my convictions and to stop second-guessing my every move. In short, I want to stop being so afraid of failing, in matters large and small. I want to stop second-guessing myself.
All that considered, I was listening to a song recently, and the lyric I heard was "I die a little with every regret I make." I was completely taken with that concept. How true, and how succinctly phrased. Feeling regret, in the form of that aforementioned self-doubt, is not only unproductive, it is literally sucking the life out of me.
I read somewhere that with every decison you make, every obstacle you face, every relationship you experience, you have only two options with how to approach any and all of the above. You can choose to live in faith or in fear. And with faith I am not talking about faith in God or faith in whoever you pray to in a religious sense. I am talking about faith in your self and in the world around you (although some may argue--and yes, Rob, I am talking about you--that set of circumstances is exactly what faith in God is anyway). With fear, I am talking about self-constructed fear, self-perceived fear regarding the world around you.
Since you now know that I am easily overwhelmed by decisions, such a two-part plan is incredibly appealing to me. What a simple checklist. Everytime I am overwhelmed, stressed out, inundated, etc. I can ask myself: am I choosing faith right now, or am I choosing fear? The idea is that one is just as easy to select as the other.
It is all a matter of perspective.
With my current decision situation, I was so terribly worried about making the "wrong" decision that I was actually happy when I felt that the decision was no longer mine. I felt that way because I was choosing fear.
Now I know that a phone call will come and it may or may not be the response I truly want. No matter what though, I am trying to have faith that the decision will be the "right" one for me. I have the choice to fear the "yes" or to fear the "no." Or I can choose to have faith that whatever the outcome, it will be "right". In essence, and back to that song I mentioned, I could "die a little" feeling regret either way, or I could live more fully knowing that life is unfolding as it is meant to, indeed as I am programming it to--whether or not I am always fully conscious of that fact.
And again with that song: I checked the actual lyrics, and what was really being said was: "I die a little with every breath I take." Also true, in both a literal and figurative sense. But how interesting that what I heard was what I really needed to hear. It did not matter what was really being said, what mattered was how I interpreted what was being said. So right there I have the argument for faith over fear: I was "wrong" in my interpretation, but it could not have been more "right" for me. What I need is the faith to believe that whatever I hear, see, believe, or decide, it is the right thing.
And again, it really is all a matter of perspective.
So now I wait for the phone call, and I am not fearful of the outcome. Importantly, the fear has dissipated not because I feel the situation is out of my hands (as I originally wanted to believe), but rather because I have faith that my actions up to this point will result in the "right" decision.
It may have been nice to believe that I was a pawn for a few minutes, but it is even nicer to get back into the game by realizing that I have a say afterall in how this decision goes down...and I choose faith over fear.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
