Fear or Faith

As may be quite obvious at this point, I regularly experience substantial strife regarding information overload. I am easily overwhelmed and the whole decision-making process stresses me out multiple times each day (sometimes several times within the space of an hour). Recently, I was faced with making what I would categorize as a life-altering decision.

Deeply fearful of making the "wrong" decision, I had been going back and forth with the pros and cons of the situation for some time. A few days ago, however, I experienced a bit of a reprieve from my incessant mental cartwheels because I realized that right now, it is pretty much out of my hands. As in, I am currently waiting for a phone call that will tell me: "yes" or "no." Oddly enough, I am sort of loving my position as a dangling participle out there, waiting to be told which path I will be following next.

Sometimes it is really nice to not have to think, and to know that a decision is being made for you rather than by you.

Of course, this situation is a catch-22. I also value and feel deeply entitled to my own autonomy in many, many circumstances in my life. I want to be able to choose my own path and to explore any option I want (incidentally, I would not even be in my current position had I not opted to explore a new and unexpected option anyway). It is certainly not the case that I always want to be this free-floating entity, waiting to be directed and re-directed by the world around me. That would be a very reactionary way to live, and I am striving to live in a very proactive manner. Still, just as it sometimes nice to have someone make you soup and take care of your for a day or two when you are sick or tired (or both!), it is also lovely to occasionally experience a time where you do not have to be responsible for all of your decisions.

Because, as you have likely inferred, I worry much about making the "wrong" decision. Ironically, I fully recognize that no such thing exists. And yet I weigh pros and cons with innumerable situations every day--while doing everything from ordering at a resturant (I really want the shrimp, but what if it turns out to be that slimy, anemic variety?) to giving my dogs a new type of bone (they really love them, but what if they choke?) to posting my personal sentiments on this blog (it is so cathartic to work through my thoughts, but what if I inadvertently offend someone?). See what I mean?

I am probably stressing you out right now.

But I do not think I am the only person who falls into this pattern of worry/regret/self-doubt. And I am not advocating for having others make decisons for you on a regular basis, or even a quasi-regular basis. That would be a very irresponsible way to live. Frankly, it would be delusional as well. We are responsible for ourselves and that is a wonderful thing, really.

It is also terrifying and can be paralyzing. So what I really want, and am working on right now, is to feel confident in my decisions. To have the courage of my convictions and to stop second-guessing my every move. In short, I want to stop being so afraid of failing, in matters large and small. I want to stop second-guessing myself.

All that considered, I was listening to a song recently, and the lyric I heard was "I die a little with every regret I make." I was completely taken with that concept. How true, and how succinctly phrased. Feeling regret, in the form of that aforementioned self-doubt, is not only unproductive, it is literally sucking the life out of me.

I read somewhere that with every decison you make, every obstacle you face, every relationship you experience, you have only two options with how to approach any and all of the above. You can choose to live in faith or in fear. And with faith I am not talking about faith in God or faith in whoever you pray to in a religious sense. I am talking about faith in your self and in the world around you (although some may argue--and yes, Rob, I am talking about you--that set of circumstances is exactly what faith in God is anyway). With fear, I am talking about self-constructed fear, self-perceived fear regarding the world around you.

Since you now know that I am easily overwhelmed by decisions, such a two-part plan is incredibly appealing to me. What a simple checklist. Everytime I am overwhelmed, stressed out, inundated, etc. I can ask myself: am I choosing faith right now, or am I choosing fear? The idea is that one is just as easy to select as the other.

It is all a matter of perspective.

With my current decision situation, I was so terribly worried about making the "wrong" decision that I was actually happy when I felt that the decision was no longer mine. I felt that way because I was choosing fear.

Now I know that a phone call will come and it may or may not be the response I truly want. No matter what though, I am trying to have faith that the decision will be the "right" one for me. I have the choice to fear the "yes" or to fear the "no." Or I can choose to have faith that whatever the outcome, it will be "right". In essence, and back to that song I mentioned, I could "die a little" feeling regret either way, or I could live more fully knowing that life is unfolding as it is meant to, indeed as I am programming it to--whether or not I am always fully conscious of that fact.

And again with that song: I checked the actual lyrics, and what was really being said was: "I die a little with every breath I take." Also true, in both a literal and figurative sense. But how interesting that what I heard was what I really needed to hear. It did not matter what was really being said, what mattered was how I interpreted what was being said. So right there I have the argument for faith over fear: I was "wrong" in my interpretation, but it could not have been more "right" for me. What I need is the faith to believe that whatever I hear, see, believe, or decide, it is the right thing.

And again, it really is all a matter of perspective.

So now I wait for the phone call, and I am not fearful of the outcome. Importantly, the fear has dissipated not because I feel the situation is out of my hands (as I originally wanted to believe), but rather because I have faith that my actions up to this point will result in the "right" decision.
It may have been nice to believe that I was a pawn for a few minutes, but it is even nicer to get back into the game by realizing that I have a say afterall in how this decision goes down...and I choose faith over fear.