Values--What a Juicy Topic!

I talk a lot about my desire to let go of my judging of others, and of my unhappiness when I feel others are judging me. The former seems to be a particular challenge because it has become a habit and (let’s face it), a bit of a hobby as well. The latter is more complicated because it has to do both with my own fear of letting people down, and also with the giving up of the idea that I have any control over how others perceive me.

What has just come to light for me is that at the root of these judgment issues is the question of values.

This realization came about during a wonderfully insightful conversation I had yesterday with my friend Kristine. Kristine, by the way, is an amazing life and professional coach (www.kismet-consulting.com), and she is consistently brilliant in her understanding of human relationships and interpersonal dynamics. I was telling her about some of the fears I have with regards to judgment—my own and those of others. It was she who framed my mental predicament with the word that rang so true: values.

By way of background, it is difficult for many people (and women in particular I think), to let go of the idea that it is our responsibility to make other people happy. Just in case you are taking notes, jot this one down: it is not your responsibility to make anyone happy, except for yourself.

That sounds selfish, but it is actually the opposite. It is tremendously selfless because if you can make yourself happy, you will inevitably be exuding and imparting happiness to those around you.

Think about it: you know how some people can just walk into a room and the whole energy in the room feels lighter, fresher, happier somehow. This happens, as I understand it, because these are people who have no need to take from the energy of others. They are whole, complete, and filled, and this state of being likely came about because they understand the importance of making themselves happy.

This is an incredible phenomenon to me. If you take care to make yourself happy, you will find you are not looking for others to fill the voids of your life. When you are drawn to another person it is in the vein of “You complement me, and I complement you.” Rather than, “I need this from you or I need that from you.” When we have holes in our life, we inevitably suck energy from others in order to fill those holes. If you understood the idea of how a person can make the energy feel lighter, then you also understand, probably all too well, its opposite.

So make yourself happy. There is your golden nugget for the day.

Of course, like so many things: easier said than done.

However, working to achieve your own happiness is also a far easier approach, and one with a much greater return on investment, than the current tactic so many people seem to employ. You know, the one where we try to make everyone else happy at all and any cost to our own selves. This approach sounds selfless and heroic. But it is really just like chasing your tail: unproductive and tiresome.

If you want to, come over to my house sometime and watch my dog, Bruce, chase his tail. He does it with some regularity, and he has never caught it. It is even a pretty long tail, all things considered. I am sure you can read between the lines.

And one final thought on this happiness situation before we get into the meat and potatoes of values. If someone else is looking for you to make them happy, then here is what you do: run. Seriously. You will never live up to what they want and the void they seek to fill will remain vast and unfathomable. We can fill our own voids, but we will never come close to filling those of others. You can add to or complement another. You cannot be their raison d’etre.

Unless this other creature is a dog, but that is an entirely different dynamic to be explored in an entirely different blog entry.

So now we tie this all back to values. A big struggle I have is when I tell people in my life that I am happy for them, that I am proud of them, and/or that I think what they are doing with their life is wonderful.

I often say these things to people in my life because I can be rather cheesy (my brother did not get all those genes in the family) and because I often feel them. The many ways people choose to spend their time and realize their dreams is exciting and interesting to me.

The snafu comes in when they then ask me why I am not doing the same thing, or when it is I will be jumping on board with their program.

Now there is a difference between being excited and happy for someone else’s life and in wanting that life for yourself. It is hard, at times, for people to understand that someone can be utterly approving of their decisions and goals, and yet feel to implement those same goals in their own life would be wrong, and perhaps disastrous.

As human beings we care a lot about external validation. To have someone say, “I think your choices are amazing, I am so happy for you to be doing X.” And then to say, “Me too, I am so happy. When will you be doing X?”

And then, if you are me having one of these conversations, there is an awkward silence. Silence is followed by a red-faced, mumbling, bumbling: “Well it is not the right thing for me.”

Everyone involved in the conversation suddenly has their shackles up, so to speak. On one hand the person handing out the support suddenly feels guilty, hypocritical, and is perhaps sweating profusely due to the awkwardness of it all. The person receiving the encouraging commentary wonders how much said might have been disingenuous, and has mentally demoted the conversation partner to their "D" list.

But if I choose not to follow that path that is working so well for you, it does not mean that I disapprove of your way. It does not mean that when I say I am happy for you and inspired by you, that I am not being truthful. It just means that another way is a better way for me.

It just means we differ on what we value.

I forget sometimes, that other people may not have the same values as me. I am eager to approve of other’s paths and to have them approve of mine, but I am not immune from thoughts like: “This is best for me, therefore this is best for everyone in my life.”

This reminds me of when I adopted my first dog. I would rhapsodize about how wonderful and fullfilling it was to have a dog, and was a bit perplexed when every person with whom I communicated did not run to the local shelter. It did not mean their support and enthusiasm (and patience for that matter--I would really go on and on) was insincere. It just meant that adopting a dog was not for them at that moment. Or maybe ever.

And the truth is that what I value are the “right” things to value, because they are what will make me happy. What others value are the “right” things for them because they are what will make them happy. I have to remember that my idea of happiness looks quite different from other’s ideas of happiness—even people with whom I identify greatly.

I have to remember that it is not for me to judge how another lives and it is not up to me to control how, if, when, where, or why others perceive or judge me. All I can do is try to make myself happy and thus positively impact those in my life.

A way for me to do so is to remember this idea of values. When I feel that oh-so-familiar urge to judge, or when I feel disgruntled at what I take to be the face of judgment on another, I can try to remind myself that no one is right or wrong, we just have different values.