Creating Your Own Reality

Perhaps you have heard, as I have, that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.


Contemplating such an explanation immediately conjures up a vision of that oft referenced hamster running on a wheel. The little rodent literally runs in circles as he just keeps going and going and is, ironically, never getting anywhere.


Or to use an analogy involving my old friend/nemesis the bird: this definition of crazy makes me think of a winged creature flying into a window repeatedly--stupidly failing to remember with each attempt that there is a larger, if transparent, obstacle fully blocking the way. Adding injury to insult here is the fact that the bird is likely becoming increasingly physically compromised as he repeats the same action time and time again.


The imagery, despite being a bit sad, is also sort of funny. It is funny because it seems so asinine. As in: “Who would do that?” For an animal such repetitive, fruitless, and even injurious, behavior seems forgivable in a way. As in: “The poor little guy just does not know any better.”


With a human we are less forgiving however. It becomes more like: “Well, you DESERVE to be branded crazy if you are dumb enough to repeat the same action over and over again and not realize that all it is doing for you is making you tired and frustrated--and maybe even slightly concussed.”


All that being said, I bet you perform a variety of this wheel running, tail chasing, window banging in your own life.


I sure do.


If you do not, then I bow to you; you are now my hero and my inspiration. Please send me your address so that I can write you fan mail.


Although, even if you do not, you are actually not entirely off the hook. At the very least you are almost certainly being affected by someone in your life that is doing just that very window banging action over and over. You likely want to just throw them in a cold shower, shake them a bit, or just yell: “Wake up, will you?” at the top of your lungs into their face.


No? That’s just me then.


Despite the temptation, however, I would actually never handle the situation in any of the aforementioned manners. Not only would it be rude, and I tend to care quite a bit about proper decorum, but also because it would be ineffective.


At least, throttling someone and screaming in their grill would likely stun them into silence, acquiescence, and/or submission, but it would not actually solve the problem. Once they have regained their senses and perhaps attempted to sue you, what will probably happen is that you will have provided a very convenient scapegoat. They will misinterpret your frustrations with them as being a product, not of any problem on their part, but rather of your own issues. Voila. You are now the one with the problem.


They will then promptly pick up again where they left off—harvey wall-banging and all that.


The crucial point here is that no one is going to jump off that hamster wheel, or stop ramming into that window, unless he or she realizes that perpetuating a cycle is fruitless, frustrating, and/or harmful. And this is a very hard thing to do. To look at your life with an objective lens is tremendously difficult. To actually see and recognize your patterns is even more complicated.

At least, I have a heck of a time with it.


Patterns are not always as neat and obvious as those on a paisley tie. They are often much more multi-layered and deceptive.


But at the base of the pattern of your situation is the story. Your story. That story you have been telling—and are still telling—to yourself and to others about who you are and what defines your life.


It is the story of the reality you have created for yourself.


You have likely become incredibly attached to this story—whether it is a good story or a bad story. You likely are not even aware of how attached you are because the story is not a separate entity, it is you. As much as your breath is you, really.


So here is the main point of what I am saying: you create your own reality.


A point of reference comes to mind: Dermot Mulroney told Debra Messing in the sort of funny and sort of creepy movie, The Wedding Date, that “every woman has the exact love life she wants.”


Well I believe that, although there are a lot of people looking to throw tomatoes at me right now. But I do believe it. If you want love to be disappointing and fruitless, it will be. If want drama, you get drama, people.


But what I really want to drive home is that you have the exact life you want as well. I know this to be true, because you are creating it yourself.


And you might say, “But I want to be successful and happy and I have not created that for myself so you are wrong, you dumb blogger.”


But then consider: Are you often consumed by all the ways you are not successful? Do you constantly think about aspects of your life that are not going well? Are you someone who tells tales of woe and pessimism? You may not even realize that in wanting to be happy or successful you are just running on the wheel. To create happiness and success you have to feel happiness and success. You have to exude it. You have to, for lack of a better term, “fake it ‘til you make it.”


Because I can tell you that those angels out there are not just whispering, they are also soaking it in. If we say we want to be successful and then we focus on or spend time thinking about all the ways we are not, well then, boom, wish granted. You will remain the person wanting to be successful. You will not be the person who is successful. And that will be your story. Your story will be: “I am someone always seeking and wanting success and happiness.”


And all of this is, of course, based on however you define success. Because as you might remember from a previous post, “success” is a largely subjective concept. Read my old post on success ("Loving Your Problems...") to catch up if you like.


I am sure that even if you are darn near perfect, you have that one friend whose story is that he/she always has a dramatic love life, the one whose story is that he/she always has trouble with a sibling, the one whose story is that she is constantly at odds with her weight, the one whose story is that his/her coworkers are terrible. And so on...


And then they come to you, time after time, to report that the new relationship, the one that started out so new and different, is just as wrought with drama as the last. They tell you that the brother/sister is still being a pain in their arse, that the weight came off and then came back, that the co-workers at yet another new job are still a bunch of meanies.


And of course what they report is the case because these people have become the story they tell. They will perpetuate their story because underlying it all is the question: who are they if they are not the one with the dramatic love life, the one with the weight struggle, the one with the –you fill in the blank here?


We become so intrinsically attached to these stories that we forget who we are without them. As a result, we are constantly repeating the same frustrating patterns.


And we do not recognize that because each cycle comes in a new package, wrapped in different paper if you will.


Take me for example. I am constantly trying to figure out my calling, my passion in terms of a career. I have defined my life by wanting to uncover this perfect career the way one might uncover a crock pot. And each and every new vocation I take on, ends in much the same way. The jobs have all been (vastly) different, the bosses have been across the map, but the result is almost always the same. I run on the hamster wheel without ever thinking maybe I need to hop off and run elsewhere.


Like around a park for example. That might offer some lovely fresh perspective.


So now, I invite you to take some time and think about your story, or stories.


Imagine how powerful it could be if you could flip your story around to be positive. If your new story is that you are the person with the exact life you want because it is the reality you have created for yourself. You can do that.


Really.


Oh and by the way, I hope you know I am not saying you are running on the wheel to nowhere or slamming your head into glass windows on purpose.


My wise and wonderful friend Kristyn has taught me that the truth is that we are all doing the best we can with what we have got. And breaking cycles might take some time because you always have the temptation to go back to what you know.


If what you know is a dramatic love life, or low self esteem, or weight issues, then yes, you will likely run back to that ratty old security blanket of a story whenever the going gets tough.


But you can create a new reality. Just know that it takes a conscious decision, some rigorous self examination, and the willingness to let the old story go. And it might be scary to let it go. Even if it is a bad and self-destructive story, it is yours and you have built a life around it. Who are you without it?


Well, I do not know, but I am excited to meet you. Now let’s jump off that hamster wheel, run around the park, and start writing a new story.