Integration: Mission Possible?

Integration is an interesting question. As in, is it possible when one is not “native”? The jury is certainly out for me as I have only been here two months. But I have been wondering if it is ever really possible at all?

While I never had the expectation of moving here and feeling fully at ease in every situation, there certainly have been some situations that I presumed to be cross cultural "norms," and then they have surprised me with regards to how they have differed from that to which I was accustomed (from buying groceries to setting up a bank account—see previous posts for more information ). There are just many discrepancies that keep popping up over here that I never really considered.

For one thing, I always thought that friendliness was a good quality. Turns out it that in France it largely is not. The French, though warm and welcoming in their own way, do not have any tolerance for smiles on the streets and/or for phatic conversation (i.e.: “Hello, how are you?” “How was your weekend?,” etc.). My impression is that they don’t have room in their lives for non-meaningful interactions. And, I mean, they have a point.

Although, and in defense of my own learned way of being, there is also something to be said for a smile from a passer-by on the street, or a quick “How are you?” with your boss or a colleague. At the very least, such interactions enable you to connect with people on some level, and to perhaps open the door for a more meaningful friendship to develop over time.

While not an avid fan of “fluff” chatter, I have realized that the fluff is what I have long relied on to set a foundation for further interactions (I recognize that “fluff “is difficult to perceive as suitable foundation material. Use your imagination, please). I mean how else do you make friends, establish work contacts, or even talk to anyone, if you can’t smile and say “How are you?” without seeming like a bubble-headed noodle brain?

You see the kinds of challenges I am facing here? Life is not all croissants and wine over here, people.

I also, ignorantly and erroneously, thought sarcasm was a universal language. Nope, I definitely scored a resounding: “wrong answer” on that one. When I try to make jokes, people look at me like I am either crazy or have just deeply offended them. Or, on a particularly special day: both.

I know I am not Tina Fey or anything, but I can usually at least participate (albeit with mixed results) in a bit of dry-wit banter. Not here, I can’t.

The language and communication style here, especially as it translates to someone learning the language, tends towards the literal. Mind you, this may be my interpretation, and it may be erroneous, but it has fit the bill thus far. The blank, confused stares I ellicit in conversation on an hourly basis are proof of my conviction. By contrast, my communication style has always tended towards the figurative, and often the abstract. So that along with five euro will get me a nice cup of coffee around here. But, c'est tout.

It is just an interesting/humbling/frightening social experiment to take two of the most basic characteristics that define your personality and have them be wiped off the board of translatable or acceptable attributes.

Because the only way I have ever made friends is through friendliness and shared humor. Without the two as options, one might wonder how new relationships could be possible.

At least, that is what this one is wondering.

So this circuitous thought process is what brings me back to the idea of integration. I have met people here--mainly through friends of friends and work. We can go out to eat with new people or couples and we can have a good time. But can we forge lasting relationships with people who are native French? I hope so, yet I wonder who they are really meeting, in a way.

Not to get too abstract, but who am I if I am not connected to smiles and humor? It is a rhetorical question, as I haven't the slightest idea, really. So, if we do meet people here, I wonder if they will be meeting us under false pretenses, of sorts. Because the question then becomes: if we do manage a lasting friendship, will these people come to see us in the states and wonder what happened to us? Will I even be able to regain my former language of analogies and exaggeration peppered with sarcasm and cynicism? Am I having a premature and public identity crisis right now?

Sorry.

Anyway, just some food for thought. So is integration really possible? The jury is definitely still out.