Communication Roadblock

Lately, I have been struggling with my ability to communicate. More specifically, I have recently hit a tipping point regarding a very unhealthy communication pattern in which I have engaged for some time with someone close to me. My hope over the past couple of years, is that the situation would work itself out and that the “right” manner of proceeding would present itself to me soon enough. Well, it has not.

Although, since I am close to earning my master’s degree in communication, perhaps I am mere months away from figuring it out. Perhaps when my studies are completed, I will just KNOW. I hope so. In any case, with the amount of time I spend analyzing and considering the ways I communicate with people in my life, it is no wonder that I have pursued this course of study. Ironically, to feel like I am on the brink of “mastering” it seems a bit far-fetched, as I feel I am quite a work-in-progress yet. And never do I feel more of a lump of unformed clay than when I consider the communication patterns in my personal relationships.

The issue is that I found myself struggling to speak frankly because I felt like I would be hurting the other person by doing so. Essentially, while I was not seeking to be unkind or insensitive, I felt that if she were privy to my true feelings, such information would be considerably upsetting to her. Even though I am well aware that I am not responsible for another person’s happiness, or for how another person may or may not interpret a message, I could not help feeling apprehensive at the thought of potentially causing sadness or unease in another person—particularly someone about whom I care a great deal.

When I relayed this situation to a different friend (the always remarkable Kristine), she astutely told me that I was attempting to take care of the other person’s feelings, and that by doing so, I was ultimately not doing anyone any favors. Moreover, it was a futile pursuit; the only person whose feelings I can take care of, are my own, and to imagine otherwise is delusional.

It is the same idea as what I have learned with regards to the idea of pitying someone . To pity someone is to essentially say that you do not believe that they have the capacity or internal resources to take care of themselves. You can feel sympathy or empathy for others—in fact such displays of care are essential to having authentic and fulfilling relationships with others—but pitying is a no-no. To pity is like saying someone is a lost cause, and no one is a lost cause. Therefore, no one ought to be pitied.

It is also a superiority thing. To say I am in a position to pity another suggests that I am better than another. And I am certainly not better than anyone because we are all the same. That is to say, we are all human beings doing the best we can with whatever it is that we have.

So back to my issue of this challenging communication predicament. In addition to trying to take care of the feelings of another (something I think many women, in particular, do) I was also assuming I knew what the other person was thinking. In other words, I was anticipating her reaction. This assumption was molding the way I was considering presenting my information. So basically I was shaping my side of the conversation in accordance with a response that I had yet to receive.

When you break it down in such a way, it seems completely asinine. How could I know what someone else is thinking, or how they will react to something? Even if I know the person very well, the fact remains that I could easily be totally off target.

And yet I do this sort of thing all the time. My intention is good: I want to avoid inflicting any emotional pain or duress, so I play out the imaginary conversation in my head and adapt my part of the script based on my imagined perception of the other person’s course of action. The reality is detrimental: let people decide what they want to decide, and stop thinking you know better than everyone already.

I mean really: what is wrong with me that I assume to know how another would react? As in, who do I think I am, anyway? Wow, Mags, step off the ego bus already--Destination Omniscience is just a mirage.

But then, especially when I have known someone quite well and for a long time, it is conceivable and tempting to think that maybe I would be right. But what if I were wrong? Well then, my friends, I have lost a valuable opportunity. And I have robbed another of one as well.

Much of my book talks about being authentic and speaking your truth. That fact, along with my current dilemma, makes me think of something that happened in my life a couple of years ago. At the time, I was faced with having to tell my boss something I was quite sure she would not want to hear. My assumption was that the result of our conversation would be that she could be considerably incensed with me. As I stressed about the looming conversation, I relayed my fear to my brother.

His reaction surprised me. He said simply: “There is no way she can be mad at you.”

Well , brother Bobo, I beg to differ, she is my boss and therefore has carte blanche to be mad at me whenever she so pleases.

But then he broke it down for me: “Maggie, all you are doing is saying what is true for you. No one can be mad or upset at you because they do not know what is true for you. Only YOU know that. If you withhold it or shape it to fit another’s image truth, then no one is working with what is real and the game is perpetuated.”

I am paraphrasing, but you get the gist.

So I remember this wise counsel from my brother as I consider the person with whom I am having difficulty now. Yet the stakes are undoubtedly higher. Consider the following: my boss was not someone who I felt an intrinsic connection, she was not someone with whom I had any history or for whom I had a great deal of respect or love. Not to discredit who she is, it was just simply the case that we were not going to have a life-long relationship. Certainly, I cared enough to preserve our day-to-day dealings, but that was about it. And even with that marginal sort of connection, I STILL had trouble not attempting to care for her feelings.

Now, take my current situation. I simply cannot imagine my life without this person in it, nor do I want to. I know the best chance we have is to weather a storm now, and to have faith that doing so will result in calmer seas ahead. Yet I do not know if I have the strength to actually say my truth. I am terrified that my words, however carefully and thoughtfully they are framed, will result in volatile catastrophe.

I am embarrassed to admit that my “handling” of the situation as of late is best marked by one word: avoidance. I have justified my silence by choosing to believe that an appropriate opportunity to speak my truth has simply not presented itself. But that is cowardly, and I know it to be so.

The impasse I have reached is detrimental and is even affecting my relationships with others. That fact alone is a huge red flag. The only way out of this dark tunnel is through. As I struggle with this situation, I wonder about how to best reconciling my cognitive understanding about the way human relationships work and my emotional trigger reaction--as they are often disconnected.

But the thing is that if I am to be a “master” of communication, and if I am going to write a book that proffers me as a guinea pig to just these sorts of life quandaries, then I have to take my own counsel. Oh boy...

Wish me luck.